Built like Precious and motivated like Jeffrey Lebowski, JaMarcus Russell will fail trying to make an NFL comeback

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JaMarcus Russell claims to be ready to thrive in the NFL.

Resembling Precious at a svelte 308 pounds, former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is training to make an NFL comeback.

Russell, who Oakland took out of Louisiana State University (LSU) with the first overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, threw 18 touchdowns, in comparison to 23 interceptions, for 4,083 yards over the course of 31 painful games.

The portly resident of Mobile, Alabama, excelled in Baton Rouge and finished with a sterling 21-4 mark performing under center for the Tigers.

The First-Team All-SEC quarterback capped his career as a Tiger by winning the 2007 Sugar Bowl Most Valuable Player (MVP) award.

Despite displaying the diligence of Jeffrey Lebowski, Russell wooed league executives with his size and incredible arm strength.

Predictably, yet regrettably for fans of The Silver and Black, Russell was never equipped with the needed testicular fortitude to thrive as a professional.

“The last few years, the things going through my life, football is my job and it is how it feeds my family,” said Russell, 27, a codeine-craving signal-caller who was fired by Oakland in May 2010. “People would say (that) I didn’t love the game, but that pisses me off. People don’t know the real you, but I want people to know the real me and see what I can do. People are always saying that I’m a bust. I want show them I’m not. I’m committed to this now.”

Since severing ties with the hefty disappointment, Oakland has unofficially banned any player from wearing a #2 jersey to repress the memory of Russell.

“I’m not looking for a pat on the shoulder from people who haven’t been there for me,” Russell said. “It feels funny not to go through a training camp, that’s just what I’m used to. It’s going to feel good to go back out there again. I will make this happen.”

If the disgraced bust somehow manages to find redemption on the gridiron, it would truly be a remarkable story.

Unfortunately, JaMarcus Russell will not “make this happen.”

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