Category Archives: Football

Is Charles Woodson set to soon become a member of the Denver Broncos?

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Unemployed Future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson will be in Denver on Wednesday trying to negotiate a deal with the Broncos. Also drawing interest from the Oakland Raiders and Carolina Panthers, the 36-year-old Woodson would prefer to work for a Super Bowl contender like Denver. Clipped by the Green Bay Packers in February, the eight-time Pro Bowler would fit ideally in the Broncos secondary and empower their coverage schemes. Although graying and increasingly brittle, the 6-foot-1, 202 pound Woodson is a defender for the ages whose impact can’t be understated. Removed from a 13-3 mark in the AFC West, the … Continue reading

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Manti Te’o is expected to lineup on three downs for the San Diego Chargers this autumn

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Contradicting remarks by San Diego Chargers general manager Tom Telesco, head coach Mike McCoy expects former Notre Dame Fighting Irish star Manti Te’o to lineup on three downs from the outset this season. Taken with the 38th pick in last month’s draft, the 22-year-old Te’o inked a four-year contract worth in excess of $5 million on Friday. The 6-foot-1, 241 pound Te’o is slated to start at inside linebacker in the Chargers’ 3-4 scheme. “Our plan is for him to play three downs, and when we scouted him, we believed that’s what he’d be,” said McCoy, 41, who succeeded the … Continue reading

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Although an alcoholic, Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Justin Blackmon denies having a drinking problem

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Suspended four games for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy last month, tipsy Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Justin Blackmon denied being an alcoholic on Monday. The 23-year-old Blackmon won’t be reinstated until Jacksonville plays the Rams in St. Louis on October 6. Taken by the Jaguars out of Oklahoma State University fifth overall in the 2012 draft, an utterly shitfaced Blackmon was charged with aggravated driving under the influence last June. The 6-foot-1, 207 pound native Oklahoman was previously pinched in 2010 on a misdemeanor DUI complaint in Dallas, Texas. Among the most anemic offensive teams in the league, Blackmon was … Continue reading

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Throwing the ball with ‘great zip,’ the ‘smitten’ Jets will likely make Geno Smith their starter

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Contradicting reports that the maligned rookie is a diva, New York Post columnist Brian Costello says the Jets are “smitten” with Geno Smith and it’s “beginning to look more and more (likely)” he’ll start against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on September 8. Noting there’s a “sense around the Jets that they want Smith to win this thing,” erratic chucker Mark Sanchez is destined to soon be clipped by Gang Green. Chosen 39th overall out of West Virginia University, the 22-year-old Smith has had “great zip” on throws and “held players’ only meetings at the team hotel” to become familiar with … Continue reading

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Carolina Panthers offensive coordinator Mike Shula wants Cam Newton to stop pouting

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Emphasizing emotional “balance,” new Carolina Panthers offensive coordinator Mike Shula wants standout quarterback Cam Newton to behave more maturely this season. A 2011 Pro Bowler and AP Offensive Rookie of the Year, the 24-year-old Newton has become notorious for acting cunty in press conferences and on the sidelines when struggles occur. “The more you can continue to stay on an even plane and lead the group of guys around you, the more effective you are going to be as a quarterback,” said Shula, 47, who assumed the position in January. Shula also hopes the 6-foot-5, 245 pound Newton can learn … Continue reading

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Is Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly going to start rookie Matt Barkley over the dynamic Michael Vick?

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The Philadelphia Inquirer bizarrely contends rookie Matt Barkley could “get the nod” over Michael Vick to start under center for the Eagles against the Washington Redskins in Landover on September 9. Unlike Vick, the 22-year-old Barkley was personally chosen out of USC by new Eagles head coach Chip Kelly with the 98th pick in April’s draft. With the sullied Trojan fully recovered from a Grade 3 AC joint separation, beat writer Jeff McLane believes Kelly would prefer “Barkley’s accuracy, ball placement, and ability to throw on the run.” The greatest quality a passer can possess is “accuracy” and the 6-foot-2, … Continue reading

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Arrested for the third time in five days, Titus Young will soon be dead or serving a lengthy prison sentence

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Less than five days after getting pinched for two separate incidents within a span of 15 hours, psychotic wide receiver Titus Young was apprehended and charged with burglary, assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest Friday night in San Clemente, CA. The 23-year-old Young, axed by both the Detroit Lions and St. Louis Rams in February, was first snagged driving shitfaced before sunrise last weekend. Subsequently, the 44th pick in the 2011 NFL Draft was collared for trying to steal his impounded Mustang from a tow-company lot. In the third and latest misadventure, Young broke into a private residence and … Continue reading

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Despite lagging in the weight room, New York Jets outside linebacker Quinton Coples is destined to contend for the 2013 Defensive Player of the Year award

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Transitioning the promising defensive end to outside linebacker, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan questioned Quinton Coples’ dedication in the weight room Friday. Selected out of North Carolina with the 16th pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the 22-year-old Coples compiled 30 tackles and 5.5 sacks in two starts as a rookie. “If Quinton doesn’t do a better job in the weight room he might have to … he’s got to compete like anybody else for a job,” said Ryan, 50, a poor bastard who, regardless of having an overall record of 38-32, will likely be fired next January. … Continue reading

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